One day, I’ll look back and unpause these moments
A slower pace of life
Quieter than I’m comfortable with
Tense anticipation, body primed for fight or flight mode and itching to leap
But there’s nowhere left to run to
And it’s “safer” to stay put
Under a roof I swore I’d never let myself be caged under again
But this time, this time I’m different
The shadows here are now strangers
An echo of a dark past I refuse to carry with me any further
I have more than enough baggage to check without carrying on familial duty out of obligation
And the SF fog and cold that seeps between the joints in my stiff fingers
Is somehow manageable instead of painfully blinding
And the suffocating pressure to be shiny and perfect and golden in a spotless trophy case that’s falling apart
Pales in comparison to the warmth of what I know familial love should be like
The energy from the places I do call home has burned itself into my lungs,
Making me think Purpose
Looks like jaywalking with confidence, fearless of oncoming traffic in NYC because we’re laughing arms slung around each other—
Looks like getting caught in the pouring rain on a rooftop as lilac thunder, clouds, and lighting barrel across a molten sky in Austin, as we are dancing together—
Looks like feet dangling and wind rushing, ground tilting over and over, spiraling higher and higher and higher, flowing wherever the wind carries us, paragliding over Medellín—
Making me think Love
Looks like hug I don’t feel like pulling away from because I know I’m somewhere safe—
Looks like staying up all night swapping stories about grief and loss, about toxic relationships and scars, about time and healing as a pot of tea boils—
Looks a little bit like a handwritten note penned in another language that says:
“Amanda, me encantó concocerte, mantén esa buena energia siempre”
Written after a ride on the back of a motorcycle on a night when the city lights looked like stars falling down from the hilltops of Medellín—
So when these old shadows come slinking across the floorboards
In this place I always ache for nourishment
I have realized that I will never find what I need here
And I know I’ve stockpiled enough sunshine and kindness and strength to get me through this temporary time