Nightly,
She falls asleep to softly glowing stars pasted to rough ceilings
Stars that pepper her dorm with no rhyme or reason
3,000 miles from home
Lost and rediscovering who she wanted to be, nightly,
She measures how small she feels against the backdrop of school life
After people dismiss her, exclude her, forget her
Until they call her out for what makes her different and defines her—
By her smudged make-up a few mornings after her uncle passed away
By her worn and torn jeans puddling round ankles and slipping off a waist
That can’t quite perfectly stomach stick man thin jeans,
But is defined by her gorgeous curves.
Nightly,
She stumbles back through her day
Stumbles down a self-destructive path through a forest of denial and treachery
Casting the judgments of others around herself like a thick coat, trailing on the ground
Weighing her down
Nightly,
She tries to locate some sort of spark within herself
While others have an inferno’s worth, or seem to anyways
Nightly, she tells herself
Got to have an opinion, got to have a talent, got to be interesting
Got to be effortless
As effortless as the others whose motions cycle through
Primping between classes, vapid gestures including eye rolls and sighs
Power plays and eliminations
And hiking up skirts on weekends to make them shorter,
Leaving nothing to the imagination,
Not that anyone has one anymore.
Like them she tries,
To cultivate an enticingly “mature” reputation
As a good girl gone bad, a rebel bending back her parentals’ thumbs
All to fit in and follow the ebbs and flows of churning trends
At a school that crams in lessons
Like how many times a human heart should beat per minute
But not how the heart is supposed to continue to beat
In a place where bodies get beat
By soulless words
That leave no trace on skin
But cut deeper than deep.
Because humor, however sarcastic, is prized
Showcases personalities and makes people feel alive—
Just edging the area between cruelty and gone too far
Just having a laugh, just for fun, nothing more.
Nightly,
She wonders if others are crossing the line
Or if she’s too sensitive like some people say
She’s not being bullied at all, what they say and do is all okay
But such an admission tears her right through
Twisting in her heart, punching right through a shattering self
A knife slicing so far in that she wishes it was real
Real enough to put an end to the charade she plays out day after day
Of pretending their words and opinions don’t matter
Even though most of the time its seems its all that does.
Nightly,
Waterworks aren’t limited to dripping faucets,
As eyeliner runs over sunken sockets, eyes glazed over so reflections blur
Before thumbs swipe black runs of weakness away
And pinch cheeks to give some semblance of livelihood
To a face that could well be a mask for all its taut flesh.
She stares deep into the mirror before shutting off the emotions and stepping back out
Into the constant stream of inbetweeners
Caught in a gap of years between school life and real life,
Snapping bubble gum between classes like her peers,
Caffeinated concoction or alcoholic addiction in hand,
Sometimes allowing her mind to dash out for a cig
Light up, inhale quick,
Muffle coughs and hacks and spritz
Some artificially overwhelming puff to cover the stench
Drag in smoke that so easily spews forth, ashy particles clinging to her imagination
But really, she’s just sitting in class lost in a daze
The things she thinks people think of her echoing no matter how brave
She tries to appear.
Press play forward. It’s been days, now weeks, now years since then.
Nightly, she falls asleep to softly glowing stars pasted to rough ceilings
Stars that pepper her dorm with no rhyme or reason
3,000 miles from home
No longer lost though it took four years
Surrounded by those who respect her and help her confront her fears
Who constantly extend a hand or a hug
Now, nightly, she whispers to herself “See, the bullies never really mattered,
You’re separate and cured of that need to be
Tethered to the social scene and insincere queen bees.
Those who are worth it SEE you and welcome you to be.
So just be.”